Things that I want to tell you but probably never will….Or: Why I really like you...

1. WE have so much in common: we both like hotdogs, we both speak English, we’re both white….ummm….we both enjoy making fun of people who want to be ultimate fighters, we both make fun of people who agree to go on dates with people who want to be ultimate fighters, we both think I’m beautiful (never met a mirror that I didn’t like).
2. You have my dream life of just traveling all the time.
3.  You’re honest with me about your sex life (or rather lack of).
4. Repeatedly says “I’m ordering the special because I’m ‘special’” – you might not get points for a sense of humor but you definitely get points for trying.
5. WOW! You are such a good kisser….. This kind of makes me wonder how honest you were about number 3. 
6. You have such a SEXY voice. I could have an orgasm just listening to your voice, it’s that hot.
7. You don’t make fun of my dancing, even though I’m horrible and purposely pulled out the sprinkler to see if you would make fun of me (as a drunken test).
8. You may be the only guy I’ve ever seen who MIGHT be able to drink me under the table (ok, who am I kidding-you’d kick my ass).
9. You made me comfortable enough to not only kiss you in public but full on make out with you in a crowded bar-totally out of character for me. FYI: Normally I don’t even like to hold hands with a guy in public.
10. Two Words: Cuddle King.
11. Lovely Green eyes.
12. Great smile.
13. You didn’t vote for George Bush.
14. You voted.
15. You would rather be referred to as Californian than American (Question: Is it really that much better to say that the leader of your “land” is Arnold Schwarzenegger as opposed to George Bush?)
16. Your first album was “Slippery when wet” (O.K this one was added mostly for Melissa because she’s a huge Bon Jovi fan and quite frankly even if you were Ted Bundy but your first album was Bon Jovi, she’d probably be in favor of you).
17. Asked me to go to Vegas with you and get married within the first 5 minutes of meeting you (which shows you have excellent taste).
18. Three words: Looks good naked.
19. Got into a rental car with me after I told you that I was in a car accident the week before and that my friends call me “Crash”- showing how trustful you are…..or is the right word suicidal? 
20. He is a man that will share his goat cheese with you even after you tell him that you’re lactose intolerant (thanks for trying to kill me).
21. He is suck a gentleman that he will OFFER you the top bunk…even though we both know that there is no way I’m actually going to sleep in the top bunk-at least not alone. Never the less being offered the top bunk, in a hostel, is my definition of being treated like a lady. Thank you.
22. You are not afraid to mock the fact that I’m a fan of Bryan Adams which shows that you're extremely brave (although a little reckless (and really dumb for not liking Bryan Adams)).
23. Invites me to go to Guatemala with him upon the ending of our first date. Which makes me feel very special (or is it “special” that he makes me feel like?)
24. And finally the #1 reason why I like him is….. he likes me back (gulp)…I hope.
25. I almost forgot-he likes Kraft dinner!!!

Tough Cookie!

I consider myself to be pretty tough. Phsyically I'm a fast runner and I can lift alot of weights and you better believe I can hold my own in a fight. Mentally I pick up abstract concepts pretty easily, I can still figure out calculus and I speak a second language fluently....Emotionally I've gone through lots of crap too. My mom being abusive and my friend committing suicide. However, in the last couple of weeks I've definitely been tested in the emotional area but I stayed strong. I didn't cry when Mr.Velvetpants broke up with me. Nor did I cry when he said it was because I wasn't sexually attractive. I just kind of shrugged and laughed it off.  I stayed strong when I dragged my battered gf away from her abusive bf. She was so bruised and her beautiful face was just purple. I even laughed when my car radio got stolen. Today though I feel like crying. Why? What broke me you ask yourself.....I think the guy that stole my radio also stole my running shoes. I haven't cried yet-because I'm pretty tough but I definitely have tears in my eyes.

random thoughts

I know time travel is possible because I went to "future shop" yesterday!

I think the world is coming to an end. The other day I was in a doctor's office and I actually heard someone say "robitussum" when somebody else coughed.

Being half Jewish is confusing sometimes. The Rabbi told me that 'it goes against the laws of nature for a virgin (Mary) to have a baby.' Let me get this straight.....God can create the universe but he can't get a virgin pregnant? 

Where do atheists go when they die?

Resolutions

My new year’s resolutions are to be more open minded and not eat any more donuts from Timmy’s. So far I haven’t eaten anymore donuts from Timmy’s mostly because I found a loop hole in the form of “cookies.” However, being “more open minded” has really begun to test me; mostly in the form of Judy.

            Judy is a Christian. Now there’s nothing wrong with Christians in general but usually they have some other identity than being Christian. What I mean to say is that usually Christians also take the form of human beings-as in they have a life outside of being a Christian. Judy phoned me up the other day and said

“I’m worried about you.”

“O.K……”

“God and I were talking and we think you might be in trouble because-”

“Whoa Nelly! What do you mean God and I were talking?”

“Well you know when I talk to God-“

“Oh…you mean when you pray to God?”

“No, when I talk to God.”

“Does he answer you back?”

“Obviously otherwise it would be praying and not talking.”

“Are you high?”

“I beg your pardon!!”

“Sorry, I forgot who I was talking to for a second. Please continue…You and God were talking about moi and you think I’m in trouble because…?”

“You’re half Jewish and the Jews killed Christ.”

“Wasn’t Christ considered a Jew?”

“Well I asked him about that and he said “NO” that he was something else.”

(Deep breathing) “What was his religion then?”

“Well I’m not sure.”

“Can you ask him?”

“Well the thing is I slept in and we usually talk at about 5am because God is an early riser and I missed him so I couldn’t ask.”

“Judy?”

“Yes?”

“Are you on any medications?”

“No why?”

Maybe you should be. “So you’re trying to tell me that you talk to God and you both think that I’m the one in trouble? And you do this at 5 in the morning????”

“Yes.”

“Ok but why at 5 am? Can’t he talk at a normal time like say noon?”

“Yeah but he gets grumpy with me when I keep him waiting.”

“Do other invisible beings talk to you too?”

“No I’m not crazy”

Note to self: re-look up the word “crazy” in dictionary-apparently it has a new meaning.

“Besides he’s not invisible.”

“He’s not?”

“No he’s all around us. He’s even in us!.....except maybe you because you’re Jewish. But you’re only half Jewish so I’m not 100% sure.”

THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! (The sound my head makes when I'm banging it on the wall.)

“Ummm….Judy-my head hurts. Can I phone you back?”

“For sure! God bless you.”

“Umm…You too Judy.”

“Oh he already has.”

“Apparently with plenty of wine.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing…Talk to you later.”

 CLICK

Tim Hortons.....WHY DO THEY MOCK ME!!!!

I really should be reading “The Great Gatsby” for my American literature class but I thought that could wait (I have a test on it tomorrow and am only 40 pages into it) since I have to confess my newest addiction. I’m addicted to “Roll up the Rim to Win” contest at Tim Horton’s. If you’re Canadian- you’ll understand. If you’re not- you won’t understand and you really shouldn’t read any further. It’s like the first thing I do in the morning. I get up dress and then drive to Tim Horton’s and buy a medium French vanilla coffee. I get all excited about it too! I won’t roll up the rim before I’m finished my coffee though…that would be unlucky and like a hockey player who wears the same underwear to every game I have to do EXACTLY the same thing every time I get the coffee otherwise I won’t win. I do however not wear the same underwear every time….Maybe that’s why I haven’t won the GMC yet. However it’s just a matter of time. I always order a plain donut so that I can dunk it in my coffee (part of the luck (and it taste good)).Then as the warmth of the coffee goes down my throat and fills my stomach I imagine myself driving the GMC. All my friends will look at me with amazement and jealousy. I almost close my eyes with that thought- however I’m actually driving so I do stop short of closing my eyes. I then make a pact with God that I’ll give my dad the GMC and I’ll just take his old car and sell his old car to pay off my student loans so that I’ll be debt free. Do you see how generous I would be with my prize? And really don’t I deserve it? I go to Timmy’s faithfully everyday! Even before the contest.

            Unfortunately I must have done something really nasty in a former life because God does not seem to want to bargain with me. When I’m finished with my coffee I “rrrrrolll up the rrrrrrrim to win” and I lose. It always says the same thing “Please play again.” Like I could stop playing! The first two days the contest was on I actually won. First a coffee and then a donut. That was however two weeks ago and I haven’t won since. But once won tastes victory its hard to quit. What’s even harder is the “taste” of victory is actually coffee and I think I’m becoming addicted to coffee. The horrible thing about that is that I’m not even a coffee fan. I would much rather have water. But how else am I going to win?

I have heard some theories on “How to win” but the following is my favorite:

I always buy a medium but my friend has a theory that they’ll only put the GMC prize on an extra large cup as to make you buy the most expensive cup they have. She buys the extra large coffee. Drinks like a quarter of it. Then it gets cold so she ends up just dumping most of it out- but she won’t buy a medium cup (the smallest coffee that has the contest) because she thinks that they won’t put the GMC on it.

Want to hear something really scary? I could have actually won and not known it. One morning I had to be at school really early (like 6am). As per tradition I went to Timmy’s and bought my coffee. I however was so sleepy that I forgot about the contest and (GULP) THREW OUT THE CUP BEFORE I “RRRRROLLED UP THE RRRRRIMM TO WIN!!!!!! I almost screamed when I got to class and realized what I did. I then told my classmate what happened and he told me how  a garbage man who was collecting trash actually spotted a Timmy’s cup that someone threw out. He rolled up the rim and he won a GMC!!!! I don’t know if this is an urban myth but it took all my will power not to reduce myself to rummaging through the trash to regain that cup. I however think of that incident everyday with regret and wish I could have rummaged through the trash for that sought after cup. I know it probably wasn’t a winner…..but  there’s still room for doubt.

As a Black-Jack dealer in a Casino I get to see alot of addicted Gamblers and I often  wonder if they would ever rummage through trash in order to win something. However, othertimes when I close my eyes all I can see is that Garbage man driving my GMC.